🟥 The Snowman (2017) Review - Eating the Yellow Snow | Film Waffle

The Snowman (2017) directed by Tomas Alfredson

Do you wanna build a snowman viral movie trailer? The people who made The Snowman certainly did.

This book-to-movie trailer made waves back in 2017. And why wouldn't it?

It's a creepy crime-horror with a touch of whimsy. That's the stuff nightmare fuel is made out of!

Of course, Elsagate also happened around this time. That, too, was creepy and horrific with a touch of whimsy. Except, perhaps, less nightmare fuel vibes and more... predatory?

"Frozen Elsa gets MUGGED on the street. Spiderman!?"

Lord have mercy! Was almost as bad as the Reply Girl era.

Anywho, I watched The Snowman's trailer a half dozen times back in the day. It was right up my alley. I told myself that I would see it soon after its release. But once the release hit, the hype dissipated fast. Real fast. So fast that I totally forgot about it.

Looking back now, the sheer drop-off should've been a warning sign. But here I am, going through old movies from my past to watch for this blog, and The Snowman was right there. 

I had to see it. And so I did. 

And. Boy.

Where the hell is the movie that the trailer promised? Because whatever I just watched was decidedly not it.

Trailers misrepresenting their material gets me. It boils my blood. I've still got lingering PTSD from The Last of Us 2 pulling that shit. 

"No, Naughty Dog. I haven't forgiven you for that Joel/Jesse swap. Fuck off!"

Quick Summary

We follow Oslo police Detective Harry Hole. 

¯\(°_o)/¯

Idk man. The Wikipedia article says the author of the source material derived the name from Old Norse, but I'm 80% sure that he's trolling.

"Yeah. Yeah. I fully support the Deez Nuts/Harambe ticket for the presidency. They've been valuable members of the community for decades."

Anywho, Mr. Hole is a legendary detective with relationship issues. Because Oslo is such a nice place, Mr. Hole has no work, and so he drinks to occupy himself. When a mother goes missing, our hero drops the bottle and jumps at the chance to get off his rear end and do something. 'Course, he could have been using his abundance of free time to be a decent father figure to his pseudo-son, but I guess he wasn't interested in that.

Story & Characters

The plot of this story is all kinds of messed up.

We begin with a very on-the-nose sequence of our presumed killer being mistreated as a child. The acting is trying too hard, but it's not awful.

Then we have Mr. Hole waking up after a drinking fit in the park. A simple but elegant opening credits follows as we zoom in on park statues. I like.

And then things fall apart really fast thereafter.

Mr. Hole is characterized as irritable and aloof. Understandable for a chronic drunk who spends the night on park benches. So, for some godforsaken reason, he decides one day to approach the newbie girl at the force and chats her up like they're good colleagues.

???

Did I miss a scene?

Turns out little Miss Hoo-ha conspicuously left a big fat CONFIDENTIAL file sticking out of her bag. The scene ends. Two minutes later, in a different scene, Mr. Hole is buttfuck bored as always. Suddenly he starts begging to team up with her on whatever investigation she's working.

Bro. What the fuck is going on?

That was my mindset throughout this whole movie. The presentation is disorienting. Sometimes we will cut ahead with no warning. Oftentimes, it feels like there's a scene missing. The storyline is pushed so hard and so fast (despite the nearly two-hour runtime, Jesus Christ) that characterization takes a nosedive.

I know how much you want this, but you can't force the pieces to fit.

What a banger line from our protagonist. Really sums this movie up.

Contrived. Contrived. Contrived.

There's so much stuff crammed into this thing. Plot points are hastily introduced and then dropped into the void. What happened to them?? The prostitution ring? The swapped medicine? The random twin who meets the protagonist for one scene and is never seen again? Like, why was this stuff in here if it was going to have an impact? These aren't red herrings. They're nonessential bloat.

I hate to go all Chekhov's Gun on a director as lauded as Tomas Alfredson, but it is a valid criticism. And this is coming from someone who doesn't agree that Chekhov's Gun should be a hard and fast rule!

To make things worse, the above was me evaluating the movie on its own merits. When we include the trailer in our analysis it gets worse.

The trailer promised a charismatic and teasing killer. One that toyed with the legendary Mr. Hole. Gave him breadcrumbs and strung him along, but was always a step ahead. Just look at one of the movie posters!

MISTER POLICE. YOU COULD HAVE SAVED HER I GAVE YOU ALL THE CLUES

BRO. WHAT "CLUES?" YOU DIDN'T GIVE ANY CLUES! WHO IS "HER?"

Again. What the fuck is going on? Where is the murder mystery the trailer promised?

Our charismatic killer is passive in the film. Not taunting. No breadcrumbs. He sends the protagonist one cryptic message at the beginning of the movie that has zero context. Then nothing. No "clues." No specific "her."

The climax is incredibly stupid. The killer's motivations are dubious. The killer himself is boring. Just boring.

Such a waste.

I found a couple articles that claim Alfredson knew of The Snowman's shortfalls. He claims that 10-15% of the film was left unfilmed due to time constraints. They simply couldn't shoot everything they needed while in Norway.

That would explain a lot if true. That said, I'm unconvinced that another 20 minutes of runtime would have been enough to make this into a workable movie. As it stands right now, The Snowman feels simultaneous too long and too short for what it is. Another 15% may have tied up some loose ends and incorporated discarded plot points into the falling action, but that wouldn't magically save the characterization.

Speaking of which, let's spend a moment to talk about Mr. Hole himself.

Man, is he generic.

That's pretty much it. Drunk and aloof detective that sucks at being a father and boyfriend. And he doesn't change in that mindset. The man is flat throughout. Zero growth. Same Michael Fassbender's acting as Mr. Hole. It's so tiresome after a while.

His woman sidekick, Katrine, is equally bland, despite her having an entire backstory. Granted the backstory feels both forced and convoluted AF, so what little meaningful characterization there is turns out not to be a boon to the characters.

The killer, as already stated, is boring. The guy's girlfriend/romantic interest is boring. The secondary antagonists are boring. Don't give a toss for any of them. Everyone is so superficial.

Mechanics & Structure

I've already stated that the plot's structure is absolute garbage, but the presentation dampens the blow somewhat.

The music does well to add a touch of mystery and evokes that detective feel. Sure, it isn't memorable, but it's nice to listen to in the moment.

The scenes are lit well and shot beautifully. The setting encapsulates the landscape of Norway well. The beauty it, yet also its suffocating and claustrophobic nature under the snow. More sinister, recall that the killer's calling card is snowmen. Since Norway is routinely snowy, it suggests that this is his domain. His country. And he is always watching.

Conclusion

Well. I can't lie. This one was a real disappointment.

Despite it's nice presentation, The Snowman is a thoroughly trite and uninspired affair. Maybe there was more planned. Maybe there wasn't. But I have to judge the movie on what was released. And the film that what was vomited out to public audiences isn't good.

I've never read the book that this movie was based on, but I genuinely hope another director gives The Snowman another shot. Hopefully by making a piece of media that fulfills the promise of the trailer.

Because what we got here was Harry Hole taking the piss and then eating the yellow snow. Maybe we can get FROZEN ELSA to come out and teach him how to build a proper snowman when she's not being sussy with Spiderman.

🟥 Rating: 3/10