🟨 Ice Spiders (2007) Review - Surfer Skater Skier Dudes | Film Waffle

 

Ice Spiders (2007) directed by Tibor Takács

Ah, the Sci-Fi Channel Original movie. These low-budget romps were truly a thing of beauty long before the likes of Sharknado captured the imagination of basic AF plebeians.

And one of these beautiful works of art sticks with me the most. Ice Spiders directed by Tibor Takács.

You see, I was deathly afraid of spiders as a kid in the 2000s. Still kinda am. But something about the Sci-Fi Channel's teasers compelled me to watch it when I was still that young, sweet, and innocent arachnophobic boy.

Ice Spiders was not the first horror movie I saw. That honor goes to Halloween II. However, this film wasn't far behind. You always remember your first, of course. But what about your second? For me, that answer was a definite YES.

I could not believe the gore. 

"Can they do that? Can they show all the blood and guts and carnage being ripped out of a guy and slurped down like a Shamrock Shake from Mickey D's on television?"

I also could not believe the CG effects.

Because. Christ. Even back then they looked awful.

So with all of this in mind, I tuned in and watched this formative piece of media for the first time in nearly two decades. Goddamn I'm getting old. But let's get this show on the road.

Quick Summary

Ice Spiders follows a motley group of skiers and scientists at a remote resort in Utah. Before long, giant spiders start appearing out of nowhere, hungry for human flesh: the product of a government experiment that's gone wrong!

So you've got your typical "Washington doing a bad" plot with spider monster baddies. Nothing wrong with that. 

Story & Characters

We begin with some truly horrible archery by a couple elk hunters isolated in the woods. Who are they? Don't care and neither do you. Needless to say, spooky spidery things happen.

After that teasing intrigue that gave me unpleasant childhood memories of deer hunting with my dad at 5AM in the middle of a barren, freezing cornfield, we suddenly pop on over to a school bus filled with a group of overacted school athletes and... Wait. Hold on, now. This is just the opening of Jeepers Creepers 2.

Well. Not exactly.

Turns out the young'uns on this field trip are much more realistic. By which I mean they are angsty. Everyone's favorite emotion to watch on the screen, believe you me. 

Also they're a ski team. I had to look that up. I guess collegiate skiing is a thing? Kinda wild, honestly. Can you imagine how much that shit costs? And they say golf is a rich bitch sport.

After a surprisingly light exposition dump, our hometown heroes arrive at the aforementioned ski resort in the middle of buttfuck nowhere Utah. 

Hilariously, the movie then promptly discards the teens for our real protagonist, Dash Dashiell. Dash is a good-looking retired skier with one hell of a name.

Soon, the trip that began as a jaunt around the slopes quickly becomes deadly as mutated spiders start killing people all around the lodge.

There's something very charming about the B-movie-ness of this whole film.

Dash and his co-worker/lodge-bro that looks like live-action Shaggy on crack talk in this bizarre skater/surfer boy accent. 

"Whoa. Dude. Man."

It was like I was in school surrounded by potheads again. Actually that does sound quite a bit like Matthew Lillard in the live-action Scooby-Doo, now that I think about it. 

I take it all back. It fits perfectly!

The story, as previously stated, is your generic, evil, government beasty doing a rampage. So basically the mutated giant spiders are IRS agents when April comes around. Bloodthirsty. Feeding on people's insides and drinking them dry till there's nothing left but a husk and a mortgage in arrears.

The horror!

The story notches a few contrivance points when the government conspiracy angle is forced to put itself on full display. You've got things exploding and spiders cutting phone lines in the top secret lab. Should've had the boys star in a home invasion movie instead. The Strangers: The Second Webbing. I'd watch that. 

The ending wraps things up with a quickness. Kinda makes the earlier threat of the giant man-eating spiders look silly considering how fast things became hunky-dory. 

But, hey. At least the buff military security guys are using proper trigger discipline. You love to see it.

Special praise for our scientist girlie, Dr. Summers, played by Vanessa Williams. She was fantastic in her deuteragonist role. Patrick Muldoon as Dash isn't half bad either. In fact, almost all the characters were played decently, if not well. The only exception, funnily enough, is the dude scientist. That performance... yeah... No bueno.

Mechanics & Structure

In some scenes, the camera shakes like it's being held by a cameraman who's been sustaining himself on nothing but amphetamines for the past two days. Not really sure what that was about.

The music choices were questionable. You'll have a friendly skiing competition in one scene that's accompanied by this urgent, tension-filled beat. Then when the man-eating spiders are chasing people down you'll get a dose of hard rock. Sure, I guess. That's definitely a choice.

The picture color has a weird, washed-out appearance that you used to see all the time in low-budget productions and home movies prior to the 2010s. Was this film rejected from America's Funniest Home Videos, friends? What's going on? Not that I minded after the first few minutes. In a way, it made it more charming. A product of the time.

I already said that the CG looks hella awful. And it's a shame, because if you pause and look at the shadows on the ground, they actually map pretty dang well. 

But the quality of the model. The fuzziness. The weird lighting on its legs. Something about the ambient occlusion is not working. 

It ain't so bad when the spider is the sole moving object in the frame, but when the giant spider boys are supposed to be pouncing on people and slurping their guts as they do (ignoring the fact that spiders don't eat that way, but whatever), their models stand out so much. Real jank.

I don't want to go too hard on this, but the technology did exist for something better at the time. Take Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest released in 2006. It's got them Disney coins for cutting-edge graphics. Look at the mo-cap and facial features below. It still looks good two decades on. This is an apples-to-oranges comparison, but you get my point.

Lots of other special effects can be seen in that movie too. The CGI team was truly working their butts off. 

That's not to say that I expect the same quality from a film as off-brand as Ice Spiders, but I'm more lamenting that the tools and expertise that existed back then weren't available to its editors and artists.

Okay, with that all out of the way, it's time we talk about my favorite thing ever!

Ice Spiders had a physical prop! Yes! If you pause it at the right time, you can spot a physical spider puppet! Our boi only appears briefly in a handful of scenes, but what a beauty he is!

Legit best thing in the film. It made me so happy to see that. If anyone who worked on this film still has that puppet, I will love you forever if I could get my hands on it. Or at least send me a picture to confirm that my B-movie childhood star is enjoying a nice retirement. Pretty please? 

Maybe while we are at it we can ask him if his momma was part scorpion or vinegarroon because I ain't never seen or heard of a spider that has pincer-like chelicerae.

Conclusion

Originally I was going to give this movie a slightly lower rating. Maybe around a 4/10 or a 5/10 because, objectively, it's kinda bland and stupid. The CGI is bad. The concept is unoriginal. The characters are okay, and the kills are whatever.

But it's also silly. And silly in a way that tickles my nostalgia like few pieces of media can. While the sum of its parts may not be impressive on paper, I did have fun with it. That's worth something, right?

All in all, I don't regret my time watching Ice Spiders. So if you're just looking for a fun mid 2000s horror film, this could be a good choice!

Especially so if you're one of those people who watched Frozen (the 2010 horror film about people on a ski lift, not the musical by Disney), and were bitterly disappointed by the lack of mutated super spiders!

🟨 Rating: 6/10