Wafflings of a Cozmonaught

The Salt Grows Heavy   (2023) written by Cassandra Khaw So. A mermaid protagonist and her witch doctor companion explore a dead world in this spooky novella. Sounds like a sick premise, doesn't it? And that book cover? Straight badass. Unfortunately, this turned out to be a big flop. Khaw is perhaps most famous for an earlier work, Nothing But Blackened Teeth . Back in 2023, I remember seeing that book cover in Libby and being thinking, "Hey! That looks interesting!"  I checked it out from my library. As I was prepping to read it, I mentioned it to a work buddy.  She's a real big horror lover. Even more so than I am. She told me she'd read it previously and "had thoughts." Ominous. You know what happened when I pressed her for more?  She laughed and walked away. Ouch. Ain't that a damning endorsement? The Goodreads for  Nothing But Blackened Teeth  seems to reflect that sentiment . Not that I'm saying Goodreads is the end-all be-all. I've rea...

The Bridge of San Luis Rey   (2004) directed by Mary McGuckian Never thought I'd see a movie adaptation be more boring than its book , but by golly does The Bridge of San Luis Rey (2004) try.  Full disclosure, I thought I got my hands on the original 2004 movie. Turns out I watched the 2022 remaster by accident. Oops. Well, the 2004 version is on Youtube . Skimmed through that. Pretty much the same barring a few scenes and the order of things. I'll be ranking them both as one item here. This is my second review of a book-to-movie. Being an older book that critics in the past loved for some unknown reason, The Bridge of San Luis Rey  has seen its fair share of directors attempt to translate the harrowing story to the big screen. I'd say that starting with a better source material might help, but hey. The Mist turned out not to be that bad, and I didn't care for its original text. So let's see what Mary McGuckian has in store for us as we descend into her version of ...

  Ring   (1991) written by Koji Suzuki Japanese fiction never fails in the weird department. "My rando classmate told me he assaulted someone. In fact he's a serial rapist. But it's okay. We're actually besties now." Beg your pardon? You bet your bollocks I had to rewind and replay that exchange a few dozen times. Let's just say that if you are one of those people so married to contemporary Eurocentric gender roles that you can't enjoy media otherwise, then this may not be the book for you. In a notable departure from the famous movie series this book spawned, the source material follows reporter extraordinaire Kazuyuki Asakawa. Our hero is a family man who's always on the hunt for that next scoop. So when he catches wind of a group of teens that all die at the same time and in the same gruesome way, he sets out to investigate. He tracks their previous whereabouts to a resort cabin where the teens spent a week before their deaths. There he discovers an...

The Mist  (2007) directed by Frank Darabont Book-to-movie adaptations don't have the best reputation, do they?  Hell, my boss has a big fat sticker on her work computer that says "THE BOOK WAS BETTER."  Yes. Normally, I think, it's best to say that. But horror is a very fickle and chaotic genre, where things are not always so clear-cut. Doubly so as we venture into the land of weird fiction and cosmic horror. Join me, will you?  Join me, and let us walk into a strange and bizarre world where Up is Down. Left is Right. And aggressively mid authors like Stephen King are hyped and celebrated for some reason known only to God. I don't get it. This is my first book-film waffle combo, having previously reviewed Stephen King's The Mist . If you didn't read my review of the story, you definitely should. Otherwise, I will be mad and offended. But if you can't be asked, I was not impressed. Still, I put this film on my docket. So watch it I did. And I have to sa...

The Girl on the Train   (2015) written by Paula Hawkins Mystery thrillers are pretty new to me so apologies if I sound horribly plebeian. The Girl on the Train follows a British woman named, spin the generic name wheel, Rachel. Rachel is a mess of a human being after her husband cheated on her and left for the other woman. Ouch. Distraught and lonely, she finds herself  repeating the same habits over and over to try and cope with the fact that she's damaged goods and no one wants to talk to her. She takes solace in people watching, though. On the eponymous train to work, she watches the same people play out their routines day after day. She gives them names and imagines whole lives for them. Like they're little dolls in her little dollhouse. Honestly, not a bad setup. And, y'know, after the first 10k words, I was really impressed. The people-watching fantasy is such a great way to develop the loneliness of a character. It reminded me of Miss Brill by Katherine Mansfield ,...

The Snowman   (2017) directed by Tomas Alfredson Do you wanna build a snowman viral movie trailer? The people who made The Snowman certainly did. This book-to-movie trailer made waves back in 2017.  And why wouldn't it? It's a creepy crime-horror with a touch of whimsy. That's the stuff nightmare fuel is made out of! Of course, Elsagate also happened around this time. That, too, was creepy and horrific with a touch of whimsy. Except, perhaps, less nightmare fuel vibes and more... predatory? "Frozen Elsa gets MUGGED on the street. Spiderman!?" Lord have mercy!  Was almost as bad as the Reply Girl era. Anywho, I watched  The Snowman 's trailer a half dozen times back in the day. It was right up my alley. I told myself that I would see it soon after its release.  But once the release hit, the hype dissipated fast. Real fast. So fast that I totally forgot about it. Looking back now, the sheer drop-off should've been a warning sign. But here I am, going throu...

The Bridge of San Luis Rey   (1927) written by Thornton Wilder Starting with a tragic event before rewinding is always a gamble. It shows the author's hand. It diminishes stakes and intrigue. So Long, See You Tomorrow by William Maxwell is another classic that does something similar. But while it sorta works in that book, I don't think it worked here. The Bridge of San Luis Rey revolves around one Brother Juniper in 1700's Spanish Peru and his quest to find spiritual and religious meaning after the collapse of a ancient Incan rope bridge in Peru. Said collapse leads to the deaths of a diverse troupe of individuals, and our hero is laser-focused on digging into all of their personal business and finding out why fate chose them to die. The good Brother searches through their affairs. Their taxes. The size of their undies and the size of their knobs. So basically our guy is the pre-modern equivalent of the NSA. Jokes aside, this is an interesting framing to work with, for su...

Dinner to Die For   (2025) directed by Diana Mills Smith South African horror. That is a new one for me. On hearing that, I expected something historical like the Boer Wars. Real  The Last Door  like. Maybe a trite commentary piece about apartheid if I wanted to raise my social credit score. But no.  Dinner to Die For  is about... bread.  Yes, indeed. A somewhat more tame topic as compared to imperialist wars or systemic oppression. But don't let that crusty exterior fool you. Inside is a plush interior that is both steamy and subtle in a way that made this one of the more nuanced horror movies I've seen in a long while. Quick Summary Hannah is a food photographer who can't write a decent cookbook to save her life. After getting rejected by her publisher one too many times, she and her crime-loving friend hatch a plan to add the girl next door's  "secret sauce" to the menu. Story & Characters We begin with an incredibly slick montage of homegirl Ha...