Wafflings of a Cozmonaught

  Puss in Boots: The Last Wish (2022) directed by Joel Crawford - Not gonna lie, if I saw someone in a fursuit charging me with a pair of sickles, I would shit myself so fast. Sorry—kid’s movie and all—I meant to say “crap myself”. Because “crap” is now something we say in kids animation, apparently. We also show blood from wounds. That’s cool, I guess; just feel like I missed the memo telling kid’s animation to be edgy again. PB&J is about the eponymous character who, being on his last of nine lives, searches for a wishing star that will give him some 1-Up mushrooms. Along the way he meets an old friend, makes a new one, and antagonizes some porridge and pie baddies. Meanwhile, a sussy furry cosplaying in a black hoodie stalks him on his journey. I’ll be honest, I only watched this movie because of the memes. And, oh boy, did the meme lords come through for me. The characters in this movie are awesome. The voice acting is superb. And the animation is gorgeous, likely due to t...

Unfriended: Dark Web (2018) directed by Stephen Susco - Something about this computer screen series that I'm noticing is that the exposition and rising action are really cool, but once the climax hits, the story kinda just shrugs it’s shoulders and gives up on life. U:DW follows novice thief and budding klepto Mattias as he tries to repurpose a crappy Macbook he nicked from a local coffee shop. Unbeknownst to him, on the computer lies a myriad of secrets that soon drag him and his Skype buds on a spoopy adventure. I loved this initial setup; very Sara is Missing / Simulacra. The characters were a great step up from the last movie. The mystery feel was a fantastic supplement to the horror vibe. 'Course they are still using Skype on a Mac of all things, but that’s my personal biases coming into things. And then… Watch Dogs. And then… stupid ending twist. What a shame. Awesome setup. Good execution. Terrible landing. P.S. That trailer gives away way too much lol.

Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (2016) directed by David Yates - Ah yes, Pokemon GO: Harry Potter Edition. In the spirit of it being a decade since the last HP movie, I thought I would finally sit down and watch the next entries in whatever they are calling this series now. FBaWtFT follows Newt, a well-meaning if awkward British magic chap, as he arrives in America from Equatorial Guinea. An odd claim considering Equatorial Guinea didn’t exist yet, but let’s ignore that. Along the way he must catch a number of beasties and fight a magical conspiracy. I went into this film with tempered expectations, but I didn’t expect it to be this bad. Not mediocre. Bad. Surprisingly enough, I enjoyed the film much more when it was—you know—actually being Harry Potter instead of Narnia or Pokemon. Why are all the characters so insufferable? So unrelatable? The dialogue, the characterization, the writing, the grand setpieces: it all leaves a lot to be desired. The most surreal moment in the l...