Texas Chainsaw 3D (2013) Review - Let's Bring a Chainsaw to a Gunfight


Texas Chainsaw 3D (2013) directed by John Luessenhop - 


I imagine if you had a horror movie bingo card, this movie would be the free space. The plot follows a group of quite astoundingly terrible twentysomethings as they are chased by generic killer maniac sporting legendary cardio ability no. 23. The black guy doesn't die first though, so I have to give kudos for deviating from the cliche in that regard.


The movie itself opens about 5 minutes after the conclusion of the first film in the franchise; it's doing the Halloween thing of just ignoring all the sequels that came after the first. After some "acting" introducing characters who most certainly were not part of the first movie, a shootout breaks out. This is because, as I'm sure most people can glean from the title, lengthy shootouts are what made the Texas Chainsaw Massacre famous. The rest is a basket full of the usual: hackneyed stupidity and hackneyed strip scenes with hackneyed daddy issues and hackneyed baddies. Also I'm pretty sure the main character has amnesia.


I'm not sure if this is coming across but I really didn't enjoy Texas Chainsaw 3D all that much. It wasn't good good, and it wasn't so bad it's good. In the end I was most impressed by how well the protagonist's makeup had held up through the whole affair. That's something I suppose.

Comments

Post a Comment

Straight from the Waffle Iron

🟨 Rift (2017) Review - Answers Found Dead in a Ditch

Image
Hah! You thought I was dead and buried after not publishing for a few weeks, didn't you? Well, not so fast buckaroo. I'm here! And I'm...! Well. You know the rest. Let's hit it. I have very mixed feelings about Euro cinema. On the one hand, I appreciate the experimental nature. Europeans are much more likely to be ambiguous and subtle. To play with the surreal and mess with your mind.             Probably has something to do with them not getting that Hollywood money; instead, they often get support from government culture departments. It's a practice that cultivates a unique atmosphere of creativity. One m ore artsy and less flashy compared to American cinema.  However, the line between avant-garde and artsy fartsy is notoriously slim. And, while some European media walk this tightrope well, the vast majority do not. Take today's movie from jolly ol' Iceland, Rift .  Or, as I've taken to calling it, Twinks Up North: The Horror Movie . In tr...
Read more

🟥 Ted Bunny (2026) Review - Even Serial Killers Live With Their Parents in 2026

Image
Ted Bunny   (2026) directed by Michael Fredianelli Hmm. Well that certainly was something. Here I was hoping for a Five Nights at Freddy's prequel, and this is what I get. Not a story about William and Michael Afton but one about Ted Bundy and his "spawn". Bro. Quick Summary Ted Bunny follows the story of Sasha, an aspiring documentary filmmaker who has yet to break into the industry. Girl, you and me both. Her latest attempt at forging said career takes her to the house of Catherine Something-or-Other. Catherine claims to be one of the last survivors of Ted Bundy's 1970s killing spree.  In fact, Catherine goes all Rosemary's Baby on us and claims that she birthed Ted Bundy's demon spawn after he sexually assaulted her all those years ago.  Whatever the case, her child is now a bunny hood wearing maniac channeling in his inner Majora's Mask Twitch streamer and speedrunning a murder spree of his own. All righty. That's quite the setup. And, in fact, ...
Read more

🟥 The Bridge of San Luis Rey (1927) Review - Grim Reaper Builds a Bridge

Image
The Bridge of San Luis Rey   (1927) written by Thornton Wilder Starting with a tragic event before rewinding is always a gamble. It shows the author's hand. It diminishes stakes and intrigue. So Long, See You Tomorrow by William Maxwell is another classic that does something similar. But while it sorta works in that book, I don't think it worked here. The Bridge of San Luis Rey revolves around one Brother Juniper in 1700's Spanish Peru and his quest to find spiritual and religious meaning after the collapse of a ancient Incan rope bridge in Peru. Said collapse leads to the deaths of a diverse troupe of individuals, and our hero is laser-focused on digging into all of their personal business and finding out why fate chose them to die. The good Brother searches through their affairs. Their taxes. The size of their undies and the size of their knobs. So basically our guy is the pre-modern equivalent of the NSA. Jokes aside, this is an interesting framing to work with, for su...
Read more

🟨 Ice Spiders (2007) Review - Surfer Skater Skier Dudes

Image
  Ice Spiders (2007) directed by Tibor Takács Ah, the Sci-Fi Channel Original movie. These low-budget romps were truly a thing of beauty long before the likes of Sharknado captured the imagination of basic AF plebeians. And one of these beautiful works of art sticks with me the most. Ice Spiders directed by Tibor Takács. You see, I was deathly afraid of spiders as a kid in the 2000s. Still kinda am. But something about the Sci-Fi Channel's teasers compelled me to watch it when I was still that young, sweet, and innocent arachnophobic boy. Ice Spiders was not the first horror movie I saw. That honor goes to Halloween II . However, this film wasn't far behind. You always remember your first, of course. But what about your second? For me, that answer was a definite YES. I could not believe the gore.  "Can they do that? Can they show all the blood and guts and carnage being ripped out of a guy and slurped down like a Shamrock Shake from Mickey D's on television?" I ...
Read more

🟥 P.S. I Spook You (2017) Review - Hackneyed Harlequin

Image
It's strange that 90% of M/M romance isn't targeted at gay men. That's kinda bizarre, right? Not hating on it. Just something I've always found to be weird. We follow some chap named Rain Christiansen. The dude is a do-gooding FBI detective who sees ghosts. Naturally, he gets chewed out by his boss one day for creeping on some grieving family and telling them that their daughter is in a better place.  As punishment, his boss tells him to GTFO and solve a cold case somewhere in the country. And, for some reason known only to God, the man chooses a case from his hometown.  You know. The town where his annoying family and hunky police detective ex live. Amazing decision. A true glutton for punishment. I could tell this wasn't written by a man in the first few pages. The first paragraphs, in fact.  The book begins with multiple long-winded descriptions of characters' appearances.  Massive red flag.  "Oh boy, it's one of them stories." I began this post...
Read more

🟥 Don't Let the Forest In (2024) Review - In Need of a Forest Fire

Image
" It hadn’t hurt, the day he had cut out his own heart … No one would want a heart like his. But he’d still cut it out and given it away. " Okay, Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way. Calm the Wattpad angst. Sand the edginess. Please and thank you. Reminds me of the slop I would write while bored in my freshman physics class. Andrew Perrault is a gawky gay boy and high school senior with the musculature of a plastic straw. He's got a crush on local bad boy Thomas, who may or may not have murdered his parents.  Inexplicably, "monsters" begin emerging from the woods outside their school. Monsters that bear a striking resemblance to Andrew's drawings that he presumably doodled in between sketching this fucker for the 100th time: WHERE IS THE "S" MONSTER, ANDREW!? This book is so bad. You know how women can often tell when a bad heroine wasn't written by a woman? That was this book for me. I kept thinking, "Men don't think this way. They...
Read more

🟩 Orbiting Jupiter (2015) Review - Avoiding a Car Crash

Image
Orbiting Jupiter   (2015) written by Gary D. Schmidt An absolutely heart-wrenching story that didn't stick the landing. We follow Jack. Generic hippy boy in his middle school years that has been raised by his now crusty anti-Vietnam War activist parents on an organic farm with all the soy and good energies his fat face can handle. But one day, Jack's parents take their savoir complex to the next level by offering to foster a 14-year-old prick-to-be named Joseph.  As luck would have it, ol' Joseph's got a bit of a rap sheet. These include getting blazed on a unique mixture of amphetamines and ritalin and trying to kill one of his former teachers. Also he's a baby daddy. Oof. Boy's speed running all the bad decisions in life. I don't condone it. But I respect it. What follows is all the struggles you would expect after inviting a teen edgelord to your local Greenpeace meeting.  And the result is so damn good. The conversations Joseph has with his adopted famil...
Read more

🟨 Hypochondriac (2022) Review - Ghost of Fursona Past

Image
Gay men and daddy issues. Name a more iconic duo.  Uniquely,  Hypochondriac brings home the mommy issues for the main course.  Truly breaking the mold. We love equality in this house. Quick Summary It's been 18 years since Will's mommy dearest attempted to choke him to death during one of her psychotic episodes, yet the dude's  Oedipus complex is still firing on all cylinders. Now a fully-fledged adult and gay twink living on the Golden Coast, Will works as a potter. He's got a nice life. A nice boyfriend who lives in a suspiciously spacious and lavish house given the cost-of-living crisis. A nice friend who lets the dude and his bf stay in her family's sick mountain lodge for free. But the past still haunts our protaga-twink. When his mother begins reaching out after her stint in a mental hospital, the painful memories of his childhood begin to resurface. Story & Characters There's a surprising amount of things stuffed into this relatively short movie. For...
Read more