Wafflings of a Cozmonaught

The Mist  (1980) written by Stephen King I still remember growing up and seeing The Mist (2007) commercials on TV. I was big on monster hunting and conspiracy shows around that time. Things like In Search Of... and MonsterQuest were my favorites! So you can imagine my surprise when I picked this up, this arms-length hallmark of my childhood, and thought, "Wow. This kinda sucks." The Mist follows protagonist daddy David as he does a milk run to the local grocery store. Not to be pigeonholed, David takes the extraordinary step of bringing his son, Billy, along with him. While David is in the dairy aisle debating the merits of skim vs 2% for his morning brew, a blanket mist rolls over the supermarket. Soon strange creatures begin emerging from the mist, and any shoppers that attempt to leave never return. The Mist is my second King story, and while I could bear his writing style in Thinner , this was too much. It's so wordy. ~50k words but it could've easily been 30-4...

  Laura Hasn't Slept   (2020) directed by Parker Finn Aye! It's a short film adaptation of blue_tidal's famous creepypasta, The Smiling Man !  Well. Not quite. Although, I have seen a couple of those floating around. No, apparently this short was the precursor to the film Smile (2022). I'd heard of the film. Wikipedia says it grossed north of $200 million smackeroonies from a $17 million budget. That's kinda insane. Didn't know it made that big of a splash. Of course, I didn't know it originated from this short film either. Go on. I'll wait. We can waffle on together afterward. And since it's so tiny, I can ramble freely without worrying about spoilers. Quick Summary Some woman named Laura pays a visit to a therapist, Dr. Parsons. She's having a recurring nightmare, you see. In said nightmare, she sees a man who stalks her. A horrible smile hangs from his lips. I know you're not gonna believe this, but Laura hasn't slept for a couple days...

Murder on the Orient Express   (1934) written by Agatha Christie The victim prior to their death warns of a "small dark man with a womanish voice". Hey! That's me! :D Didn't know I was on the Orient Express in 1934, but you discover new things about yourself every day. This is my first mystery read of the year, but my previous dabbles in the genre have left me decidedly unimpressed. So when I picked this up as my first Agatha Christie, I was not expecting much. But I was pleasantly surprised! We follow Christie's hallmark Belgian detective Hercule Poirot on a train journey from French Syria up through the Turkey and the Balkans. Stopped by a violent snowstorm, the train descends into panic as a rich American sleazebag is found dead in his cabin. Sacré Bleu! The opening is a slog as Christie slowly acquaints us with the dozen or so suspects. It was hard keeping all their intricacies and stories in my head. But, after the first ~15k words, I found myself engrossed. ...

  Spiders on a Plane   (2024) directed by Ben Williams So. Spiders on a Plane.   Seriously. Not sure why I thought filling the beginning of my docket with B-movie horror was a good idea, but here we are. Guess I thought it would be good to pair with my recent review of Ice Spiders . Never have sat through Snakes on a Plane before. Always ended up getting bored and walking off. Sorry Samuel L! Let's see if its eight-legged cousin is able to give me something better. Quick Summary Spiders on a Plane follows four UK friends; although, you'd be forgiven for thinking otherwise, given how often they call each other by their names. "Those are some ugly shoes, Beth." "Oh, Grace. You are so silly." "Don't mock me, Beth." "Grace, I'm just making sure I look good." The four friends hop on a plane to Colombia. They're on holiday or something. Unfortunately for them, a mad scientist with a nigh unintelligible accent has smuggled a cadre o...

Anna Karenina   (1878) written by Leo Tolstoy Oh, Lordy. The drama. A friend once described Anna Karenina as "the best novel ever made" and "eight books in one". I'm not sure if I agree with either of those characterizations. First, let's clarify what this is.  Anna Karenina  follows a motley cast of Russian aristocrats in the late 1800's as they deal with a whole host of yearning romances, passionate infidelities, and other other pinky-out pastimes.  It's essentially a season of a soap opera where each of the eight books = one episode. Each is contained but not complete. The highs and lows. The inner angst and turmoil. It's very very much soap opera-esque. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if early soaps used Anna Karenina as a heavy inspiration. I never reach for a period drama, but I imagine that those lean on this classic quite a bit too. But with that you also get lots and lots of melodrama. The constant angst can feel suffocating at time...

Ted Bunny   (2008) directed by Michael Fredianelli Hmm. Well that certainly was something. Here I was hoping for a Five Nights at Freddy's prequel, and this is what I get. Not a story about William and Michael Afton but one about Ted Bundy and his "spawn". Bro. Quick Summary Ted Bunny follows the story of Sasha, an aspiring documentary filmmaker who has yet to break into the industry. Girl, you and me both. Her latest attempt at forging said career takes her to the house of Catherine Something-or-Other. Catherine claims to be one of the last survivors of Ted Bundy's 1970s killing spree.  In fact, Catherine goes all Rosemary's Baby on us and claims that she birthed Ted Bundy's demon spawn after he sexually assaulted her all those years ago.  Whatever the case, her child is now a bunny hood wearing maniac channeling in his inner Majora's Mask Twitch streamer and speedrunning a murder spree of his own. All righty. That's quite the setup. And, in fact, I...

Stranger Danger   (2023) written by Maren Stoffels A trio of teenagers head to a cabin in the woods and vaguely spooky things happen as they receive threatening texts from an unknown number. And, slowly, new dark revelations about their pasts come back to haunt them! Yawn. Not really that original, but, as they say, the magic is in the execution. This book is a absolute masterclass in having zero subtlety. "Iceberg? What's that? A type of lettuce?" Every emotion and every thought is spelled out in mind-numbing detail. All the while clunky melodrama and conflicts abound. The voices in this book are bizarre. The characters talk in this weird, pseudo-American teen speak that I'm hoping is just the result of a poor translation. One of the main characters within the story is an adult recounting their experiences, and I did not ever register that it wasn't another teen until 3/4 of the way through the book. Far be it for me to realize that the angsty person angsting all...

  Ice Spiders (2007) directed by Tibor Takács Ah, the Sci-Fi Channel Original movie. These low-budget romps were truly a thing of beauty long before the likes of Sharknado captured the imagination of basic AF plebeians. And one of these beautiful works of art sticks with me the most. Ice Spiders directed by Tibor Takács. You see, I was deathly afraid of spiders as a kid in the 2000s. Still kinda am. But something about the Sci-Fi Channel's teasers compelled me to watch it when I was still that young, sweet, and innocent arachnophobic boy. Ice Spiders was not the first horror movie I saw. That honor goes to Halloween II . However, this film wasn't far behind. You always remember your first, of course. But what about your second? For me, that answer was a definite YES. I could not believe the gore.  "Can they do that? Can they show all the blood and guts and carnage being ripped out of a guy and slurped down like a Shamrock Shake from Mickey D's on television?" I ...

  The Hunger Games   (2008) written by Suzanne Collins The late 2000s. Those were the days. Back when Ryan Higa ruled Youtube, and I ate boogers while bored in my Algebra I class. Also notable at that time were the great YA Wars. Harry Potter was wrapping up, and publishers and studios were positively lusting for a new teen franchise to fill the vacuum left in its wake. The Candidates Twilight by Stephenie Meyer seemed poised to fill that gap. I saw more than my fair share of that book being traded around the library and halls at my school. And yet, I never did hear anyone claim that Twilight or its sequels were "good". It was just, inexplicably, the popular thing at the time. I personally can't say for sure. Never read the things. You think middle school me was going to sit through a behemoth of edgy vampire romance? Hell no. And I think that's a sentiment a lot of boys my age had. Even now that sounds torturous. Granted the pervading sentiment now is that the Twili...